Tip Tuesday: How to be Wicked Sick

how to be wicked sick
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How to be Wicked Sick

Yup, I am currently ill, and thus am struggling to take this week’s Tip Tuesday seriously. However, what with me being Mort, and being something of a virtuoso in surviving illnesses, I thought I’d share some of my knowledge on how to be wicked sick  in the hopes that it will help you lovely people cope with your illnesses too.

1. Nest – This is fairly essential to surviving any minor illness.how to be wicked sick You want it to me warm, snuggly, and all kinds of comfy. A bed is a good start, but sofas covered in blankets are also a viable option. You want your nest to be situated close to sustenance and to a bathroom, but don’t compromise comfort for either.

2. Stock upWhile it is recommended that you be close to a how to be wicked sickconstant supply of food and water, chances are you’re not going to want to leave your base of operations for anything other than peeing. With that in mind, you will want to pack your nest with plenty of snacks and drinkables. Optional: tissues, highly recommended if you have the snuffles.

3. Entertainment – There is nothing more important to recovering from a cold/ sore throat/ whatever the hell it is that’s making my glands swollen at the moment, than large quantities of how to be wicked sickentertainment sources. You should try to keep multiple entertainment mediums within arms reach of your nest. Laptops and TVs provide low level mental stimulation for when your brain is too foggy to function. Books and video games offer that little extra fun for when you’re awake enough that simply lying in your nest becomes boring. Avoid boredom as much as possible. Boredom means getting up and finding something to do, and that’s just going to make you feel ill.

4. Take your pills! – Whether they’re the basic painkiller and how to be wicked sickanti-inflammatory tablets we all know and love, or prescribed antibiotics, make sure you’re taking your medication correctly and consistently. Even taking paracetamol regularly can keep a temperature in check. However, make sure you’re taking the right dosage, and don’t go over the daily limit!

5. Do something (a bit) stupid – This is a personal favourite. I’m a how to be wicked sickbig fan of wearing cat ears, or creating a beard out of my own hair. Just something to make me smile every time I look in the mirror. It keeps me positive, and makes me feel like I’m better, even when I’m not.

And that’s your lot, because I feel like I’m dying and my cocoon of warmth is calling to me. It’s singing the song of my people, and that song is Lullaby, by Mandah.

Hope all you wicked sick peeps get better soon!

Peace out,

Mort.

 

Tip Tuesday: How to be Smooth as Fudge

smooth as fudge
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How to be Smooth as Fudge

(Flirting tips for awkward folks.)

Up until fairly recently, I was completely incapable of flirting. When I was 19, I signaled to a person that I liked them by pufferfish kissing them, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs style. Then, just in case they didn’t get the message, the next time I saw them I kissed them on the lips and before running off to catch my bus. Fortunately, they found it cute, but in hindsight, if they hadn’t felt the same way, that would have been the creepiest thing I have ever done. However, since then I like to think I’ve got a handle on things. I’m still mahoosively awkward sometimes, but I’ve developed techniques to help keep me smooth as fudge, bae.

1.

I’m so awkward, I don’t even know how to flirt! How would you let someone know that you like them?

smooth as fudge

Address the above to the person that you like. Then not so subtly do what they suggest. If they’re as awkward as you, and so don’t flirt either, look up tips online, and act these out. The beauty of this is, that if they start to get uncomfortable, you can laugh it off as “practicing”, apologise, and then distract them with a question about what they’ve been watching/reading lately.

2.

Are you multiple sea creatures with tentacles, cuz girl, you octopi my thoughts.

smooth as fudge

Go ahead and learn some crazy pick-up lines, the weirder the better. You want them to be so strange, that no-one in their right mind will think you’re using them unironically. That way, whether the person likes you or not, you’ll get a laugh. Laughter is infectious, so even if you don’t get the girl/boy/other, you’ll feel better, and you’ll gain a reputation as a bit of a comedian. Who doesn’t want that?

3.

Hey the weather is nice today, by the way I like you, don’t you think that cloud looks like a lion?

smooth as fudge

Honestly, the best way of finding out if someone likes you, is to tell them how you feel. But of course, this can be terrifying. The trick is to keep it casual, to remind yourself that it’s really no big deal. My favourite way of doing this is to sandwich the words into an ordinary sentence (see above). It makes it seem like you’re just dropping a random fact into conversation. And when they inevitably respond with, “What did you say?!” you can say it again. It’s always easier the second time, because the words are already out there. Stay calm, and ask how they feel. If they feel the same, well then it’s time to get excited! And if they don’t, tell them it’s okay. Because it is okay. Sometimes people won’t like you back, but there will always be someone else.

Lines and techniques aside, however, the main reason I’m able to talk to people now, is because I’ve learnt how to be comfortable with who I am. I’ve learnt that being a nerd is amazing, that needing to be alone is perfectly fine, and that you can get away with doing all kinds of weird stuff (meowing, putting glitter on your flatmate’s nose, lying under the coffee table to think etc. etc.) in the right context. All you have to do is be brave, and remember that, love is not everything in life.

Mort out. xx

smooth as fudge

Coming Up: March 23rd-29th

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Coming up

Well, I definitley made a mess.

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A delicious, delicious mess. Please, dont freeze cheescake, unless you want to eat it as icecream cake. (I will adjust the recipe asap.)

Tip Tuesday: How to Make a Mess

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How to Make a Mess

AKA How to Make Mort’s Eaton “Mess” Cheesecake

Ingredients:

how to make a mess

For the Base:

100g Ginger Nut Biscuits
100g Shortbread
75g Butter
Lemon Juice (To Taste)

For the Topping:

300g White Chocolate
600g Cream Cheese
300ml Double Cream
50g Caster Sugar
300g Mixed Fruit (Raspberries, Strawberries, Red Berries, Blue Berries etc)
2.5 Regular Meringue Nests

1. Get everything out of the fridge, and let it sit for a bit. This is not only because you want it to be at room temperature when you mix it, but also because you need to lull it into a false sense of security, and catch it off guard.

how to make a mess2. Take your anger out on the biscuits. Brutally bludgeon them to death with a rolling pin. Sometimes it helps to cover them with a picture of someone you dislike. Just to catch the crumbs. No other reason. Seriously, this started off as a bad joke about not liking Bieber, but then it turned out I actually needed him. Keep the ginger nuts separate from the shortbread for the moment.

how to make a mess3. Add the lemon juice to the shortbread, and mix with your hands. Taste test with a spoon. You want it to be quite lemony, as it’s going to have to fight with the ginger. Melt the butter, and combine bit by bit with both lots of the battered biscuits. You may not need all of it. My mixture ended up slightly over-saturated. If this happens, you may want to add more biscuit. Stir until you have an even mixture.

how to make a mess4. Press the mixture into the bottom of a 20cm spring-formed pan. If you don’t have one of these, you can use anything, as long as it’s deep enough. If the mould you use has a fixed base, I would recommend lining it with cling film, to make it easier to lift out. Once your brutally murdered biscuit party has been satisfactorily squished, place it in the fridge to set. You want it to be hard and cold.

5. Tear the white chocolate limb from limb, because sweet treats everywhere should fear your wrath. Dump the pieces into a bowlHow to make a mess and place in the microwave for about a minute, stir, then thirty seconds, stir, and then lather, rinse, repeat until it’s all melted. Don’t do what I did and shove it in for two minutes, then completely forget about it. Yes, I am an idiot.

6. Take your whipping cream, and whip it. Whip it real good! But don’t whip your hair back and forth, how to make a messbecause then it might get in your cheesecake, and that’s just wrong. You can do this with a whisk, electric whisk, mixer, or even a hand blender. I use an electric whisk. Whip the cream cheese and sugar together in a separate bowl. Then combine the contents of both bowls, and whip again.

7. Before adding your white chocolate, make sure it’s reasonably cool. You don’t want it to be too how to make a messwarm, as it will just undo all that brilliant whipping you’ve just done. If it’s just above room temperature, tip it in…and then whip it (okay, whipping no longer seems like a word to me). If you’re using fresh fruit, gently fold it in now. I used frozen (as I was planning on freezing it all anyway) so I used the electric hand whisk a little, just to get the marbled effect I wanted.

How to make a mess8. Now it’s time to retrieve you biscuit base from the fridge. Check it’s nice and hard, then spoon on a thick layer of your fruity, creamy, cheesy mess. You want to make the tin about half full. Then add in a thinner layer of broken meringue (I say mur-in-goo in my head every time I spell that word). Fill to the top with the rest of the creamy stuff.

9. Finally, decorate the top and leave your cheesecake on the side to settle for about 10 minutes. After all that whipping it needs a rest. Then whack it in the fridge to set. 5 or 6 hours should do it, but over night is recommended.

How to make a mess

EDIT: Whatever you do, don’t freeze this dish. When cream cheese is frozen it causes the water and fat molecules to separate. I froze mine because I wasn’t going to eat it for a few days, and while it came out fine, the moment I cut into it, it collapsed. I ended up scooping it into a container, but it was still damn tasty. I’m fairly certain that freezing is what caused this, but I will make another to check.

Overall, I am so happy with how this turned out! It tastes amazing, and I’m looking forward to sharing it with my friends on Friday. (SURPRISE, GIRLS!) If you make this, I would really like to know what you think, as this is the first recipe I’ve ever put together by myself, and the first time I’ve made a cheesecake! Send me pictures too!!

So yeah, that’s how you make a mess.

How to make a mess

How to make a mess

Wish me luck,

Mort.

Tip Tuesday: How to Calm Your Tits

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How to Calm Your Tits

Calm your tits

-To calm down, thereby relaxing the heart beneath one’s chest. Also see: “de-stress your breasts” and “undo the calamity that is in your mammaries”.

I chose this subject knowing that I had an assessment morning today, from 9am to 1.30pm. I figured that this post would be an amusing way to unwind after a slightly stressful, but engaging morning. Then I woke up half an hour before I had to leave the house because my alarm failed to go off. Now this post will be one; an amusing way to unwind after an incredibly stressful morning, and two; a list of things that popped into my head as I tried to get a brush through my mane. Welcome to How to Calm Your Tits 101:

1. Only do what’s essential – In my case: stick on clothes, wash face, brush teeth and hair, slap on some eyeliner and wolf calm your titsdown a yoghurt. It normally takes me an hour to an hour and a half to get up. This morning I set a new record. If you need to get something done, but you don’t have enough time, then don’t panic. Doing the basics is better than nothing.

2. Sleepiness is your friend – On the morning of an interview, I’m usually that level of nervous where I can’t stop grinning, but calm your titsmy face muscles are beginning to twitch. This morning I practically fell out of bed and into my suit. It wasn’t until my first interview session that I felt the twitch of anxiety in my stomach. It was great!

3. Deep breath – It’s an oldie, but a goodie. I spent the first 25 minutes of being awake, running around like an idiot. When I got calm your titsinto my car, I paused, took a deep breath, and then drove to the venue. It’s like tapping on a brake, so that you can manoeuvre around a corner; absolutely essential if you don’t want to fly off the road all together.

4. Drink – WATER! Or tea, coffee, hot chocolate. Just drink something, and drink it slowly. Like the deep breath, it’ll help you calm your titsfind a nice relaxed pace. Plus, if you suffer with a touch of dry mouth, it’ll help in that respect too. However, it might be worth limiting yourself to a glass, particularly if you’re in situation where using the bathroom is an issue.

5. Promise yourself the earth (or part of it) – I will spend the afternoon writing and drinking decaf coffee. I will go for a nice walk onto campus and raid the free book shelf in the Mason calm your titsLounge. I will drive down to Sainsbury’s, buy myself a bottle of golden ale, and then spend the rest of the evening sitting in the bath, watching let’s plays. These are all things I promised myself this morning, and just the idea kept me relaxed. I certainly intend on doing at least two of the above, although I have yet to decide between the beer and the books.

And that’s it, my five quick tips for calming your tits! As a bonus, it also acts as a nice little library of calm your tits gifs to use, for all you Tumblr lovers out there. I hope it comes in handy. Now I’m off to make a cup of joe and hammer out a couple of hundred words.