Tip Tuesday: How to be Smooth as Fudge

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How to be Smooth as Fudge

(Flirting tips for awkward folks.)

Up until fairly recently, I was completely incapable of flirting. When I was 19, I signaled to a person that I liked them by pufferfish kissing them, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs style. Then, just in case they didn’t get the message, the next time I saw them I kissed them on the lips and before running off to catch my bus. Fortunately, they found it cute, but in hindsight, if they hadn’t felt the same way, that would have been the creepiest thing I have ever done. However, since then I like to think I’ve got a handle on things. I’m still mahoosively awkward sometimes, but I’ve developed techniques to help keep me smooth as fudge, bae.

1.

I’m so awkward, I don’t even know how to flirt! How would you let someone know that you like them?

smooth as fudge

Address the above to the person that you like. Then not so subtly do what they suggest. If they’re as awkward as you, and so don’t flirt either, look up tips online, and act these out. The beauty of this is, that if they start to get uncomfortable, you can laugh it off as “practicing”, apologise, and then distract them with a question about what they’ve been watching/reading lately.

2.

Are you multiple sea creatures with tentacles, cuz girl, you octopi my thoughts.

smooth as fudge

Go ahead and learn some crazy pick-up lines, the weirder the better. You want them to be so strange, that no-one in their right mind will think you’re using them unironically. That way, whether the person likes you or not, you’ll get a laugh. Laughter is infectious, so even if you don’t get the girl/boy/other, you’ll feel better, and you’ll gain a reputation as a bit of a comedian. Who doesn’t want that?

3.

Hey the weather is nice today, by the way I like you, don’t you think that cloud looks like a lion?

smooth as fudge

Honestly, the best way of finding out if someone likes you, is to tell them how you feel. But of course, this can be terrifying. The trick is to keep it casual, to remind yourself that it’s really no big deal. My favourite way of doing this is to sandwich the words into an ordinary sentence (see above). It makes it seem like you’re just dropping a random fact into conversation. And when they inevitably respond with, “What did you say?!” you can say it again. It’s always easier the second time, because the words are already out there. Stay calm, and ask how they feel. If they feel the same, well then it’s time to get excited! And if they don’t, tell them it’s okay. Because it is okay. Sometimes people won’t like you back, but there will always be someone else.

Lines and techniques aside, however, the main reason I’m able to talk to people now, is because I’ve learnt how to be comfortable with who I am. I’ve learnt that being a nerd is amazing, that needing to be alone is perfectly fine, and that you can get away with doing all kinds of weird stuff (meowing, putting glitter on your flatmate’s nose, lying under the coffee table to think etc. etc.) in the right context. All you have to do is be brave, and remember that, love is not everything in life.

Mort out. xx

smooth as fudge

Review: Every Day

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Every Day by David Levithan

WARNING SPOILERS

Every Day left me in two minds. It definitely has it’s good qualities; as a commentary on sexuality and gender, it’s an outstanding piece of young adult literature. However, as an example of science fiction, it made me want to weep, and not for joy.

The narrator of the novel, A, is an entity who jumps from body to body, regardless of gender. As such A is not gender neutral, or gender fluid, but just a person, who doesn’t really understand what the fuss is all about;

“I had yet to learn that when it came to gender, I was both and neither.”every day

“In my experience, desire is desire, love is love. I have never fallen in love for a gender. I have fallen for individuals. I know this is hard for people to do, but I don’t understand why it’s so hard, when it’s so obvious.”

For me, this was so incredibly relatable. While I’m fully aware of being a female of the human species, I have never really understood phrases like “You think like a man” or “That’s not lady like.” I have often felt that you could pick my consciousness out of my body, park me in another, and I would still remain the same person. Seeing Levithan approach this subject, in a way that makes it accessible to readers who cannot identify in this way, was amazing.

However, by the end of the novel, that sense of awe had worn off. I found myself infuriated by the poor use of the science every dayfiction elements in this story, particularly in regards to character utilization.

From the beginning, Every Day sets itself up as a romance novel. You know the novel’s plot will rotate largely around A and Rhiannon, but alongside is the sci-fi sub-plot: who is A? Is A one of a kind? Is there a way for A to stay in one body? And through Nathan, A discovers answers to these questions. Vague, vague answers, that A decides to run away from. Just ups and leaves Rhiannon, this girl he loves. Don’t even get me started on the I-have-to-go-but-this-guy-who’s-currently-hosting-my-consciousness-will-make-a-great-boyfriend scene. To Patrick Ness, who calls Every Day, ” a wholly original premise racing along with a generous heart towards a perfect ending,” I say, “You, sir, are a heinous liar.”

As A runs away from the priest, Levithan seems to launch himself in the opposite direction to any kinevery dayd of satisfactory ending. He abandon’s the priest character, not even deigning to let us read the e-mails that A and the priest exchange. Here I am, thinking perhaps he could learn from the priest how to stay in the body of a comatose kid, thereby gaining a family and a happy life with Rhiannon, but no, no.

The ending was so insanely frustrating, that if I hadn’t been reading a friend’s copy, I would have actually thrown the thing across the room.

In conclusion, do I love the concept and characterisation? Yes, absolutely. Do I think it’s worth a read? Certainly. Do I recommend finishing the book when you’re along, purely to protect those you love from flying objects? Oh definitely. Definitely, yes.

Tip Tuesday: How to Calm Your Tits

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How to Calm Your Tits

Calm your tits

-To calm down, thereby relaxing the heart beneath one’s chest. Also see: “de-stress your breasts” and “undo the calamity that is in your mammaries”.

I chose this subject knowing that I had an assessment morning today, from 9am to 1.30pm. I figured that this post would be an amusing way to unwind after a slightly stressful, but engaging morning. Then I woke up half an hour before I had to leave the house because my alarm failed to go off. Now this post will be one; an amusing way to unwind after an incredibly stressful morning, and two; a list of things that popped into my head as I tried to get a brush through my mane. Welcome to How to Calm Your Tits 101:

1. Only do what’s essential – In my case: stick on clothes, wash face, brush teeth and hair, slap on some eyeliner and wolf calm your titsdown a yoghurt. It normally takes me an hour to an hour and a half to get up. This morning I set a new record. If you need to get something done, but you don’t have enough time, then don’t panic. Doing the basics is better than nothing.

2. Sleepiness is your friend – On the morning of an interview, I’m usually that level of nervous where I can’t stop grinning, but calm your titsmy face muscles are beginning to twitch. This morning I practically fell out of bed and into my suit. It wasn’t until my first interview session that I felt the twitch of anxiety in my stomach. It was great!

3. Deep breath – It’s an oldie, but a goodie. I spent the first 25 minutes of being awake, running around like an idiot. When I got calm your titsinto my car, I paused, took a deep breath, and then drove to the venue. It’s like tapping on a brake, so that you can manoeuvre around a corner; absolutely essential if you don’t want to fly off the road all together.

4. Drink – WATER! Or tea, coffee, hot chocolate. Just drink something, and drink it slowly. Like the deep breath, it’ll help you calm your titsfind a nice relaxed pace. Plus, if you suffer with a touch of dry mouth, it’ll help in that respect too. However, it might be worth limiting yourself to a glass, particularly if you’re in situation where using the bathroom is an issue.

5. Promise yourself the earth (or part of it) – I will spend the afternoon writing and drinking decaf coffee. I will go for a nice walk onto campus and raid the free book shelf in the Mason calm your titsLounge. I will drive down to Sainsbury’s, buy myself a bottle of golden ale, and then spend the rest of the evening sitting in the bath, watching let’s plays. These are all things I promised myself this morning, and just the idea kept me relaxed. I certainly intend on doing at least two of the above, although I have yet to decide between the beer and the books.

And that’s it, my five quick tips for calming your tits! As a bonus, it also acts as a nice little library of calm your tits gifs to use, for all you Tumblr lovers out there. I hope it comes in handy. Now I’m off to make a cup of joe and hammer out a couple of hundred words.

Tip Tuesday: How to Make or Break a Habit

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How to Make or Break a Habit

Three years ago Sunday, I gave up caffeine as joke for lent. 40 days later, I came to the decision to never to go back. Last year, I decided to do more of the things that I enjoy; travelling, reading, video-gaming, stuff I never had time for when I was sleeping in a bed covered in heavy literature, and half-written essays. This year, I’m trying to eat a wider variety of foods, and I’m religiously filling in a diary page, every night. So, if you’re reading this article, know that its writer feels your pain. No, seriously. I’m not an expert, but I have learnt a lot over the last 5ish years, and so I thought I’d share how I make or break a habit in the hopes it’ll make life a little bit simpler for you.

1. Ignore the 21 day rule – In the 1950s there was a plastic surgeon called Dr. Maxwell Maltz, who many claim produced a study showing it takes 21 days for a person to pick up a new habit. In truth, what the good doctor uncovered was that it takes make or break a habita MINIMUM of 21 days to replace an old concept with a new one, whether that be a behaviour change, or adjusting to a new nose. The average is actually more like 2 months (Lally et al.). However, the fact is that how long it takes shouldn’t matter at all. If you want to change your behaviour, you need to be willing to keep it up indefinitely. Telling yourself that you only have to last so long, will only make it more difficult to keep going when 2 months role by and you’re still finding it hard to keep your pace.

2. Choose wisely – As I discovered last year, it’s all very well wanting to learn to speak French, but if you have no reason to learn it, your brain is going to strain to retain it. An ideal habit to make is one that is genuinely going to benefit your life. An ideal habit to break is one that is damaging, mentally or physically,make or break a habit to yourself or others. For instance, I gave up caffeine because I realised that a lot of my nervousness was due to being off my face on 3-4 cups of extra strong coffee, everyday. If you’re going to change your behaviour, you need proper motivation, so think about exactly what it is that you want to get out of this change.

3. Enjoy your honeymoon – There will be a short period of time in which changing your behaviour feels great and easy. This can range from a couple of minutes (quitting smoking, taking up make or break a habitjogging) to a month (healthy eating, keeping a journal), so make the most of it. Enjoy it. Make as many positive memories of you keeping up your new behaviour as you can. They will come in handy (when you’re standing in the dairy isle, staring at a double shot Starbucks espresso can, salivating like a dog in heat).

4. Freshen up – When you hit a rough patch, you’ll need to remind yourself of why you’re doing what you’re doing. This is where that all important motivation can turn into a blessing, or a curse, depending on how strong it is. But reminding yourself may make or break a habitnot be enough. You may also need to find fresh ways to shove it in your face. I have recently taken up starting everyday by writing a positive post-it, whether it be a famous quote, or just something someone’s said to me. I then stick it to the mirror, and read it back when I go to bed. This way I start and end my day on a positive note, encouraging myself to keep up the good work. You could also try achievement lists, mantras, or even simple incentivising (i.e. I will buy these boots if I write everyday this week).

The art of making, and the art of breaking a habit are tough to master, and I know that at the grand old age of 22, I’m nowhere near becoming a black belt. I am currently still trying to fit in a few minutes of writing every day, and while my diary remains up-to-date, my novel cries out for the attention it deserves (soon, my precious, soon). Needless to say, I’d love to hear what you guys do to help change your behaviours. How do you stay motivated? How do you make or break a habit?